Love is Cruel
by CreativelyDestructive
Summary: "I choose to love you in silence because in silence I find no rejection, and in silence no one owns you but me." James T. Kirk was no coward, but he was afraid that Spock would never know how he felt. Now as he lay dying in the warp core chamber he must choose whether or not he should break his silence. K/S Oneshot


**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything, and mean no disrespect to the characters or actors who portray them.

**_"I choose to love you in silence because in silence I find no rejection, and in silence no one owns you but me."_**

Death is a strange and fascinating concept. Most people fear the unknown. James T. Kirk had always embraced the unknown without fear or hesitation. Therefore, why should death be any different? He bulldozed his way through the warp core's radiation poisoning and saved his crew. His family. His Spock. As he laid dying his only regret was that he couldn't see Spock before death took him. Despite all the adventures they faced together Kirk was thankful that Spock wouldn't face this one with him.

Kirk hoped that Spock wouldn't face this adventure for many years. And when he did finally embraced the truly unknown Spock would have years of life under his belt. Loved ones surrounding him. He hoped that Spock wouldn't be scared and alone like Kirk was now. With a painful gasp he collapsed against the wall by the door. He looked out the clear glass hoping that Sulu and Spock would work a miracle and save his silver lady. Well, their silver lady. Spock would take command, and Sulu would most likely become his second when Kirk passed.

James T. Kirk was never one for regrets, but if he had to have one it would be never telling Spock how he truly felt. He tried to so many times, but the words never came out right. He was never very good with expressing his emotions. One would think it would be easier because the person Kirk fell in love with was half Vulcan, but no it didn't make things any easier.

Kirk came so close to finally telling Spock the truth when the Enterprise was taken from him. When Spock was taken from him. Kirk asked him if he knew why he went back for him despite knowingly breaking the Prime Directive. Maybe Spock in all his genius would figure it out. Maybe he would know. But Kirk couldn't find the words again, and instead of confessing his love he simply said he would miss him. It doesn't really matter whether Spock caught onto what Kirk really meant or just understood what he said. Spock had remained silent.

"Open it."

Even dying Kirk could recognize that monotone voice anywhere. Spock sounded like how he always does, but Kirk heard the worry and panic in those two little words. Slowly he looked back up, and sure enough their stood Spock. Maybe he won't be alone after all. Maybe there would still be time. A final chance. A last confession. Kirk watched Spock's expression darken as he looked down at him. Deep in those chocolate brown eyes was pain. Kirk was torn between wanting this last moment with Spock and wishing that Spock didn't have to suffer through this.

"The decontamination process is not complete. You'd flood the whole compartment. The door's locked Sir."

With a quiet groan Kirk raised his hand towards the door switch. His breathing strained, but determination unwavering even in his final moments. Spock kneeled down to be closer to his captain. His friend. His hand reaching out for Kirk despite the glass barrier between them. Logically Spock knew there was nothing he could do, but that only seemed to make everything worse. He was helpless to save the man who had done so much for him.

Spock watched feebly as Kirk, no Jim, his Jim, closed the chamber's door. Kirk took in slow laborious breaths of air trying to hold onto life as long as he could. He needed Spock to know how he felt. It was truly a now or never moment, and Kirk didn't believe in no win situations.

"How's our ship?" Kirk whispered breathlessly as Spock's hold on his emotions became even more tenuous.

"Out of danger," Spock answered while trying to mask his fear and heartbreak. His best friend and captain was dying right before his eyes. So many things left undone. So many words left unsaid.

"Good."

"You saved the crew," Spock assured Kirk while searching for the words he really wanted to say. Love is a human emotion, but Spock is half human. His side clenched painfully at the thought of Kirk never knowing how he truly…felt. Regret is illogical, but he felt it then more than ever.

"You used what he wanted against him," Kirk paused to catch his breath. He stared at his commander and friend impressed. "That's a nice move," he complimented approvingly.

"It is what you would have done," Spock replied after a moment's hesitation. He saw Kirk weakening with each passing breath. It was only a matter of time. Spock's internal battle of controlling his emotions was all but lost at this revelation.

Was this what Kirk felt when Spock was in the volcano? This unbearable fear and agony? Why did it feel like Spock was the one dying instead? His planet was destroyed, his mother died with it, his former mentor Christopher Pike murdered, but none of that came close to this. Why did was this man's death so incredibly excruciating? Love is illogical. Especially if losing it made one feel like this. Love is cruel.

"And this…this is what you would have done," Kirk responded thoughtfully. He looked up at Spock, and saw the turmoil buried underneath the surface. A storm that was always raging in his hybrid friend. "It's only logical," he weakly continued. Spock felt his normally stoic expression crack under the weight of the words. Kirk was right. Spock would have sacrificed himself a thousand times to save him. His friend. His brother. His love. "I'm scared Spock," Kirk confessed as tears pooled in his eyes.

Why now? He finally had everything he wanted. A home. Friends. A family. Kirk's life was finally turning around from the hell that was his adolescence and childhood. No one could ever say that he was not his father's son. George Kirk gave up his life for his crew, his wife, and unborn son. Years later James T. Kirk was giving up his life for his crew and untold love. Whether it was karma or fate it sucked. Kirk wished he could have spared Spock from this. It was too much seeing the young Vulcan fall to pieces in front of him.

Kirk could only imagine the pain Spock was trying, and failing, to hide. Kirk knew that Vulcans felt emotions more deeply than humans did. Kirk also knew that Spock cared about him, if only as a friend. Spock would mourn for his fallen friend and captain, but eventually move on. At least that is what Kirk hoped Spock would do. Spock was far too precious and perfect to be dragged down by the death of the likes of Kirk. Spock had already lost more important people in his life. Hopefully Kirk's death wouldn't weigh too heavily on him. Spock would survive this. Kirk was sure of it. Uhura would get him through it no doubt. Kirk's heart clenches at the thought of them together. He almost wanted to laugh at the idea of him still being jealous of the former couple. Even as he stood at death's door he was greedy and selfish.

"Help me not be," Kirk pleaded to Spock his voice cracking. "How do you choose not to feel?" Kirk questioned while looking away from his secret love's face. He didn't want Spock to see him like this. Dying and weak. Spock didn't deserve this. Not his Spock.

Kirk wanted, no needed, to know how to turn off his emotions. Maybe then he wouldn't be so scared. Maybe dying and leaving Spock wouldn't hurt as much. Maybe then this love wouldn't be so cruel. Spock shook his head as the last of his control slipped away. His face contorted to reveal the pain and heartbreak he was being overwhelmed by.

Foreign tears stung his eyes as Spock watched his Thyla give into fear. The strongest and bravest man he had known finally admitted defeat. Spock took a deep shaky breath trying to find the words to answer Kirk. To comfort him in his last moments. Teachings he has known and embraced all his life left him in this moment.

"I do not know," Spock finally answered emotion deep in his voice. "Right now I am failing," he confessed as his feelings overpower him. Pain. Fear. Hurt. Love. Anger. All these emotions raged inside him tearing him apart piece by piece. Spock cursed himself for being so…human. If he were full Vulcan he would have had more control. This wouldn't be hurting so much. It wouldn't be slowly killing him.

"I want you to know why I couldn't let you die," Kirk declared while once more looking up at Spock. It was now or never. Kirk needed him to know that he was in love with him and had been for a long time. That Kirk was sorry he was such a selfish creature. That he couldn't handle seeing Spock die, but now was asking him to stay with him until Kirk passed on. "Why I went back for you."

"Because you are my friend," Spock answered as he began to recognize the buried emotion in Kirk's still too blue eyes.

An emotion Spock himself tried to bury, but found himself unable to. Love. Despite the illogicality of the phrase Spock felt his heart breaking. So much time wasted. How could he not see the love Kirk had for him? His friend, his brother, his love. What a wretched unfair world Spock lived in. For him to find out his thyla loved him only for fate to rip him away. A single tear escaped and slid down Spock's cheek at the horrible revelation. Why was love so cruel to them?

Kirk placed his hand on the cool glass between them wishing he could reach out and comfort his Spock. Tell him it was going to be okay. Tell him he loves him. That he was sorry. But this is all he had the strength for. Spock's answer was good enough. Kirk wearily watched as Spock pressed his hand against the glass forming the Ta'al. Kirk's breaking heart swelled with love for the alien knowing the significance of the sign. Maybe Spock understood what he meant. Maybe he did know after all. Maybe…he even felt the same.

Kirk slowly moved his fingers into the same position trying to match Spock's Ta'al. Kirk wanted him to know that he wants Spock to live a long and prosperous life. He hoped this will get Spock to understand. He looked at Spock with love and respect even as his body began shutting down. The physical pain was nothing compared to the emotional agony anyways. Physically Kirk has been through worse. Emotionally Kirk was glad he would never feel this again. Kirk, despite wishing Spock was spared this, was grateful that he was there for him. Spock had always been there for him.

Kirk smiled weakly at their hands for a moment before meeting Spock's gaze. Those chocolate eyes would always be with him. That moment, that final moment, would always be with them. In this life and the next. Kirk took a small amount of comfort from knowing that Spock, even after Kirk was gone, would always be with him. Kirk took one last painful breath before embracing the unknown.

Spock watched in helpless horror as the life leaves the once vibrant blue eyes of his thyla. Kirk's hand slid down the glass leaving behind Spock's. Spock's mouth opened slightly as if confused and surprised at the outcome. Logically he expected it. Knew it would happen soon, but the onslaught of pain he was unprepared for. This agony was so much worse than what he was feeling before. Before he knew what he was feeling, but now he was empty. A sentient being without soul or purpose. His very katra felt like it was being ripped apart.

Spock's breathing became heavy as he looked down trying to gather himself. Trying to salvage what little was left of him. Try as he might Spock could not understand why this was happening. Why his thyla, a good brave loyal man, was dead when there were so many unworthy people still alive. It was not fair. All his life Spock was an outcast, but he finally found a home after all these years. It was not Vulcan. It was not Starfleet. It was not even the Enterprise. It was James T. Kirk. His home was a man, his thyla, but now it was gone. Spock was alone once more. He had friends and his father, but they would not even come close to filling the void that was now Jim. They, in all their efforts, would never understand and accept Spock as his Jim did.

Spock breathing deepened as he felt his emotions take a violent shift. Vulcans were once a warrior race. His deep rooted ancestry grabbed ahold of him and altered his perception. No longer was Spock a peaceful being like his lineage Surak, but a follower of his warrior brethren. He must avenge his fallen thyla. Bloodlust fueled him as Spock realized the cause of his loss. The reason why his thyla was not with him now. Reason and logic would not help him. He knew what he must do. With an animalistic cry he shouted his prey's name with unrelenting fury.

"KHAN!"

**-KS-KS-KS-KS-KS-**

"I dare you to do better"

With a broken gasp Kirk woke up to the sight of white walls and smell of antibiotics. A hospital he quickly deduced from years of waking up in them. His thoughts were sluggish and his body felt off. His throat and mouth were dry and scratchy as he took in a centering breath of air. He looked around confused of what was happening, but then relaxed when his eyes fell onto a familiar gruff face.

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic. You were barely dead," Bones commented while raising a device to Kirk's head. Despite his words his tone was soft and soothing. Kirk did not miss the relief in his best friend's eyes. "It's the transfusion that really took its toll. You were out cold for two weeks."

"Transfusion?" Kirk questioned tiredly. His voice quiet and weak from disuse. Kirk eyed his friend and chief medical officer confused and in need of answers. What happened? Kirk was supposed to be dead. He was sure of it. He couldn't remember anything besides…well, besides his farewell to Spock. Spock! What happened to his Spock?

"Your cells were heavily irradiated. We had no choice," Bones alluded while running more tests on his recently awakened friend.

"Khan?" Kirk realized as his thoughts began to pick up. His memory started coming back to him in slow waves. Khan's blood. Khan was superhuman. Genetically enhanced. How did they get Khan's blood? What happened to Khan? Where's Spock?

"Once we caught him I synthesized a serum from his super blood. Tell me are you feeling homicidal? Power mad? Despotic?" Bones teasingly questioned making Kirk smile amused at his friend's antics.

"No more than usual," Kirk answered only half joking. "How did you catch him?" He asked feeling tired of being left in the dark.

"I didn't," Bones replied while moving back to reveal Spock. Spock who had been standing in the background the whole time. Spock who had refused to leave Kirk, his thyla's, side. Spock who would have committed murder had it not been for Uhura telling him that Khan could save his fallen love.

"You saved my life," Kirk said with an appreciative smile. Spock moved forward to be closer to his thyla. His living breathing thyla.

"Uhura and I had something to do with it too you know," Bones grumbled pointedly, but Kirk only slightly raised an eyebrow in response. The entirety of his attention focused on the beautiful man in front of him. The love of his life. But where did he stand with him now?

"You saved my life Captain, and the lives of—"

"Stop…just…" Kirk interrupted tiredly before pausing to clear his throat. He called him captain. Not Jim. Maybe Kirk was wrong about what happened in the chamber. Maybe he was mistaken about Spock's feelings. Maybe when Spock said friend he really did just mean friend. The pain was back and no amount of morphine Bones could give him would lessen it. "Thank you," he continued his voice stronger now.

He looked up at his first officer, and even though he was unsure where they stood Kirk was immensely grateful that Spock was alive and well. Spock would think that his thanks is for saving him, but he would be wrong. Kirk appreciated Spock saving his life, but he was even more grateful and relieved that Spock was alive himself. That Spock didn't give up his life to save Kirk. Kirk has never said he wasn't selfish, and when it came to Spock his was at his most selfish.

"You are welcome Jim," Spock answered making Kirk's face light up. He called him Jim. Kirk saw the love in Spock's eyes as his face softened minutely. He was right! Spock loved him!

Even though his control was back and his face was blank Spock was relieved to see his Jim alive. Happiness shone in Spock's eyes as he watched Jim's face glow at the sound of his name. Finally the two were on the same page. Spock was in love with Jim, and Jim was in love with Spock. Nothing could take that away from them. They would never let anyone or anything get the chance.

Spock would always be by his Jim's side no matter what. Neither Jim nor Spock would ever be alone while the other was alive. It was clear that Jim would die for Spock and Spock would kill for Jim. Neither of them willing to live without the other. Their lives intertwined in ways even now they cannot yet imagine, but one thing was certain. Only together could they truly live long and prosper.

**_"It's not about how many times you tell someone that you love them, it's about how many times you prove that you do."_**

**A/N**: This is my first fanfic ever so please let me know what you think!


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